listening to lifehouse- everything

what i want, what i need is to be like putty. i need to just be at ease and relax and feel free. i want to be able to come home from work and just vegetate. i want to just relx on the tube, have some dinner and no worries. i want to be free. i am taking a test on monday and i have to prep for it. after that it is safe to say that i can just sit and wait, like a sitting duck. sometimes i am so tired of being ambiguous and reserved. sometimes i feel like being that way holds me back from truly being happy. i feel as though i should change that somehow, but i can't cause that is how i am. that's how i know how to be.

i need to study, yet i am relentlessly typing away. sometimes, i look back and see what possible path could i be in, if i had not taken this one. that's the story of my life: the road not taken. regrets...i try to not live with any. that's probably why i live such a reserved life. honestly, there's only one person in my life that was blunt even to call me on it. and he was right.

i am so complex. i know i am, but on the surface i appear plain and simple. this is the first time i've ever admitted this. i have a lot of pride so it's rare that i'll be so open. this weekend i met up with one of my friends who i haven't seen in ages. i met him when i stayed a week in aspen. i learned something from him.....what was it.....funny isn't it, how it just skipped my mind. maybe i just don't want to reveal it on such a public page. but who really reads my blog anyways. i do wonder.

organic chemistry...there's me digressing.....have you ever self evaluated yourself? i try not to do it too much. there are so many opportunities in life. i wish i could just pick with one and stick with it. i would reveal my life dream but i don't want to screw with it. sometimes having no expectations is the way to live life, but that's settling and i don't want to settle. what do i truly and honestly want?

i want to be sucessful. i want fortune to just fall into my lap. is that so wrong? i don't think so, that's what we all want. i am just blunt even to admit it. I want so many things, but i dare no say it. i will admit, i have confessed. perhaps just a hint, a taste. i am so multi-orient that it drives me crazy sometimes. i think i need to slow things down. having a blog...it's me talking to myself and analysing my rhetorics.