Merry Christmas!!!! Last night I went to midnight mass. It was shorten than I expected. I am surprise that I did not fall asleep. Perhaps that nap helped. Or perhaps it was the annoying FOBs that sat in front of us. I don't know. Sadly, after the service my family and I were commenting on the FOBs in front of us.

Aside from that, today my family and I will be joining my extended relatives at my cousins house. They live in Walnut I think. Which is perfect, I can drop of my expense reports. I need to get repaid.

I woke up early again today. Absolutely not getting my 8 hours, how sad. BRB...I have to go exercise cause my mom is nagging my dad too, and he is passing it off to me. He just wants to get outta it. Bad Daddy.

i just had some sticky rice, sweet. however, i have this horrible curry after taste. i might puke. we shall we. oh, i don't feel so well. holiday, i love it. no work. it was grand seeing my girls. see you ladies soon.

it is around 1:30 and i am quite tired. i did a lot this morning. went to the mall, returned stuff at the gap, attempted to PA a skirt at nordstorm, but the BLACK lady wouldn't have it. what is up with that? i thought nordstorm was the best place to shop where you get no question asked serve. GUESS not. i am very disappointed.

i then headed over to the pantages to get tickets for les mis. yeah! i got them. it was the last pair. that's what i'll be doing new year's eve. after that my sis and i got some desserts at thai town and then went to joann's and the mall again. that's a lot all within that amount of time. i think i will nap now.

oh yeah....there are a lot of stupid drivers out there these days, so be safe everyone.

it is christmas eve, however not yet the eve of christmas. i am listening to lifehouse once again. everything. i woke up pretty early today. around 7ish. why? cause i was freezing cold.
for the past week, i have had an uneasy stomach; in which i have felt like i needed to vomit. i still haven't figured out what it is. but i think i shold go see a doctor pretty soon. my knee is acting up again too. it kinks, so i haven't been able to exercise much.

today the plan is to go to the mall and return stuff and then head over to the pantages to get some les miserables tickets; quick stop at thai town, and then meet up with the girls at bin bin konjac.

my arms are really sore and painful. maybe i need to crap or something like that. it is so nice that today is a holiday. no work. too bad i didn't get to sleep in.

my present for myself. i was thinking that i would maybe buy myself a labtop. i borrowed my sister's and i am gettting quite use to it. well, i am tired now, maybe i will go back to sleep. maybe i won't.

here's my twin. others would say "her split personality." 

friday night. let me tell you how i am spending it. i am on 3 computers. two labtops and one desktop. i am feeling quite tired and sick so i opted not to go out. they guys went out to auburgines but i was growing tired of that place. also cause i didn't want to pay a cover. plus the fact that i think i am about to vomit in the near future. aside from that, i am tiring to hold it all down.

a stress has been lifted off my shoulders so now i just wait. this week has been pretty crazy. today at work, it was pretty stressful. i am kinda sad that i have to be in sd on monday, yet i am also kinda glad. the picture about it a perfect representation of how i feel most of the time. like i am two different people. as if my inner self is having a battle as who should be the ultimate representation of sheila. emotions, i feel so many all at the same time. it is hard to control or choose what to feel. feel to feel? anyways, i am going to move on because i am begining to confuse myself.

this weekend there is a holiday party. i may not attend, though it would be nice. however, i am feeling ill. i think i need to take off these contacts or something. i was thinking, now that i work 1st shift, my life is so much more different. i am tired all the time. when i use to work nights, i was more active. now all i want to do is sleep.

i still have so much to do. go see the dentist, the doctor. it is so impossible though cause i am here in sd. i guess i could go to one here. i just may. i can't wait, next week, only 4 days. i have so many things going on in my life right now that i am just so exhausted. i don't want to think about it. i need an escape of some sort. maybe i should go out more. i dunno. being away from home, i am not able to do a lot of things. it is so frustrating. i hope everything gets better soon. i need and seek some sort of stability and i have not found it yet.

i feel like i keep a lot of stuff to myself, i am pretty sure i still do though. at work, i always get asked these questions...let's just say many. it does challenge me. however is this the challenge i need. i answer them in a silly way cause i think i need to be silly to stay sane. i hope i get a raise. i need it. well, i need something.

i have so much more to say, but right now too many multi-thoughts are processing that i need to pause it.

taking an aside......sometimes i wish i travelled more before committing. regrets......i wish i had done the EAP program when i was in college. being able to travel the world and study at the same time. who could ask for a better opportunity. now i have a stable job which means i can't take off when i want to. even though i do go on vacations it is not the same. this past summer i was at japan and the philippines. it was nice, but not the same as exploring by yourself. travelling can get tiresome, but i need to realize that for myself.

last sunday, i experienced food poisioning. it was horrible. right now, i am feeling it again. what is it with me and getting poisioned on sunday night. i hope it passes cause .... well....it just ain't pleasant.

i am borrowing my sister's labtop. it is quite nice having one, i might actually get one. but i still feel like it isn't justified. cause it is so expensive and kinda a hassle yet ultra savvy. i was thinking..... i have money.....should i use it? invest it? do both? i am a very thirfty person....but if i work so hard to earn this money....i should be able to enjoy it. but i know that i should also plan for the future. i try to save 1000 dollars a month. i think i am quite successful at it. i need a new goal to keep me motivated.

for christmas, i would like an ipod and a gbook. i think that will have to wait though. cause i really have to evaluate whether it is justified. any comments?

i still need to get my mom and sister a gift. i usually don't do presents, but this year i am feeling generous. anyways, what better way to spend my money than on the people that care about me, and vice versa. christmas....the holiday nice....it's nice....

gosh, i think i am going to up-chuck....not good at all. i better drink some tea or something. holiday party is coming up at work. i may go, i may not, haven't decided yet. i am kinda lazy, but i really should go. i will see though. i may be busy.

lately, i find myself becoming more religious. today at church, the pastor had a really good sermon. i think i will go to church there from now on. i went there before, but this time it was more of an awakening. lately, i find myself being more in tune with my religious side. i was raised catholic and before i was more nonchalant about it, but not so much lately.

i wish i was more motivated. i wish i was smarter. i wish i had a greater will. in high school, i was that way. but then i became extremely exhausted. now i am still, but i am just waiting for my chance to be motivated once again. in our life, we search for happiness. we seek fortune. we seek to be loved. why is that? are we born like this? are we nurtured to seek attention?

looking back at my experiences, i've learned enough to write a book about..... i would like to write one someday. maybe i'll begin tomorrow. but it will be pretty challenging because i am so random. i just from multiple thoughts. sometimes it is hard for my own boyfriend to keep up. i have this theory about relationship come and gone but i'll tell that another time.

alas, it is but a few more mere hours of torture that i must endure. i make it sound so dramatic when it is not. i know i need to rest my mind for the four n a half of brain aching .... that i must take. ideally, i just want to enjoy life and not have to worry about it. rather it would be great if I could just live it for what it is. however, I can't. why? because I am still waiting....waiting to see what will become of me. think about it?

i am faced with so many opportunities.....i really just need to see what makes me happy and do that. but what if that doesn't lead me to a life of fortune. is that ok? it should be? so why isn't it?

after tomorrow, i be more at ease. which is great. because then when i come home from work....then i can just RELAX. that's a great word. maybe even pop in a movie with ben stiller and owen wilson ...it's got that one time hit...."relax...don't do it...where you gonna....."

i better study a bit more, it's my last time. at least in preparation for tomorrow. oh yeah. thanks for your words solom.

shoulda....coulda......woulda.......you know what that means. it ain't gonna happen.

my confession.....my head is aching, it happens when i study something in a short amount of time. you'd think i learn the first time around, but no. i'm 23 and i wish my life was already paved out for me. i wish i had studied more when i was in college. isn't funny how life turns out. i want to take the easy way out like everyone else. i want to go back to school, yet i don't. i wish i had taken a different path in life. but at the same time i am grateful for what i have now. life is so confusing and i just realized that you have to accept it for what it is. rather than always thinking what if? cause if you live like that then you aren't living.

i would like to go to dental school, but i just hate all the waiting. i should be happy because i have a job, but i am NEVER satisfied. i am always wanting more. I seek for something better once i obtain what i have. so does that mean i will never be happy because one i have achieved my goal i become sad. that is until i come up with a new goal. that just sounds depressing.

i applied for the food network gig, we'll see if anything comes off that. I wish i could just enjoy life. I wish i had studied more in school cause now i feel like i am suffering. I wish I was smarter and more motivated. I have goals in life but I feel like these goals are not acceptable to the standards I was raised in. Wouldn't it be great if we could just do what we love for a living?

maybe i should give up on television because living in a fantasy world is just depressing, but at the same time an escape. i wish i had read more when i was younger. ahhh....why did i have to be so rebellious. I feel as though there is no purpose in my life right now. okay so there is, but once again i feel like i am in a state of limbo. I just want to get out. i wish i had chosen a different more simple life for myself. but if you think about it, life is all about Trial and Error and trying again.

I could probably go on and on, but it is getting late and i should go to bed so that i can study some more tomorrow. i need a miracle. i need direction. i need to achieve my hidden goals.

she's back. she brightens my day.  

i am digesting. the orange made me so full. i wake up pretty early... around 6ish to get to work by 7. i use to work nights. i kinda liked that better. even though i woke up at 9, i felt like i was more rested that way. i have it pretty good. but not so. i think about the future and am not really living the now. i find myself thinking a lot of late.

i need to be more motivated and just stick with one thing. i find pharmacy being a possible answer to all my anticipation. yet at the same time, i would only do it because it is what is expected of me. honestly, i don't know what to do with my life. i want to have it made. but don't we all. what do i want in life. the answer is love. but that's just hinders me from what i really need to concentrate on. it is my escape, aside from tv. but i need it, i crave it, don't we all? it depressed me that i am not grounded yet. yet, i am. yet, i am so young and have vast oppportunites ahead of me. i once spoke to a stranger about how the age i(we) are give us too many choices that is just so hard to stick to one career. it scares me to think that i will want to move one in so many years. it is a great opportunity. but still. people are different. so stick with one thing. others move from one field to the other.

i've had 3 jobs this year. what does that say about me? i am at my current job right now, fairly new, but getting there. there's an xmas party coming up at work. i will attend that. i wish i could just be an open book, but i can't.

i've got so many random thoughts that i am going crazy. i really need to just slow things down before i go beserk. i better get back to my reading. i need a vacation, but that's just a short solution to what i really need to get done. if i could do one thing over in my life, i would go straight to dental school. would i been more satisfied? i dunno. i am happy with my life now, but i am unsatisfied. i am never pleased, but i adapt. is that good? maybe it is my way of survival. okay, the rants end here.

i think i will be fine by next week. let's hope. even though i have expressed so much, i know the people that read this must be so confused and have no clue as to what i am saying. don't worry, it's just my way of keeping peace within me.

on a sidenote, i was working out today as usually and when i was there was this guy out at the jacuzzi and i noticed him noticing me. but i never pay attention to them cause i don't care too much for it. later, this lady, his boss comes in passing through and say, there's a guy out there, he works for me and he thinks that you are "very very attractive." go on out there if you are interested. that was flattering, of course.

listening to lifehouse- everything

what i want, what i need is to be like putty. i need to just be at ease and relax and feel free. i want to be able to come home from work and just vegetate. i want to just relx on the tube, have some dinner and no worries. i want to be free. i am taking a test on monday and i have to prep for it. after that it is safe to say that i can just sit and wait, like a sitting duck. sometimes i am so tired of being ambiguous and reserved. sometimes i feel like being that way holds me back from truly being happy. i feel as though i should change that somehow, but i can't cause that is how i am. that's how i know how to be.

i need to study, yet i am relentlessly typing away. sometimes, i look back and see what possible path could i be in, if i had not taken this one. that's the story of my life: the road not taken. regrets...i try to not live with any. that's probably why i live such a reserved life. honestly, there's only one person in my life that was blunt even to call me on it. and he was right.

i am so complex. i know i am, but on the surface i appear plain and simple. this is the first time i've ever admitted this. i have a lot of pride so it's rare that i'll be so open. this weekend i met up with one of my friends who i haven't seen in ages. i met him when i stayed a week in aspen. i learned something from him.....what was it.....funny isn't it, how it just skipped my mind. maybe i just don't want to reveal it on such a public page. but who really reads my blog anyways. i do wonder.

organic chemistry...there's me digressing.....have you ever self evaluated yourself? i try not to do it too much. there are so many opportunities in life. i wish i could just pick with one and stick with it. i would reveal my life dream but i don't want to screw with it. sometimes having no expectations is the way to live life, but that's settling and i don't want to settle. what do i truly and honestly want?

i want to be sucessful. i want fortune to just fall into my lap. is that so wrong? i don't think so, that's what we all want. i am just blunt even to admit it. I want so many things, but i dare no say it. i will admit, i have confessed. perhaps just a hint, a taste. i am so multi-orient that it drives me crazy sometimes. i think i need to slow things down. having a blog...it's me talking to myself and analysing my rhetorics.

it's saturday, what a nice day. I am so tired and would love to crawl back into bed. i threw my back out on thursday. so now it is slightly painful when i bend. friday started out nicely cause all i had was a meeting and the rest of the day was mine. so i went to the meeting and saw the new facility. then i decided to use this friday as a day to get all the stuff i can't do since i travel 100% of the time.

i went to carlsbad cause i wanted to make use of the friends and family at banana. i got a lot of gifts there. ;) However this was not an easy task, i tell you. so let me begin my tale. it all started with my keys. i shopped for a good half hour then i went to try stuff on. okay manybe 15 mins. my keys sat in my back butt pocket. so that isn't the smallest place to put you keys i tell you. so then i became frantic cause oh my gosh, i can't lose my keys. how am i going to get home. i am 44 miles away. so then i thought maybe i left it in the fitting room. and at the time an old lady was in there and we asked her to look. when she came out she didn't want anyone to go into that fitting room. and I was like, is it okay if i check to see if it is in there. she wasn't nice about it at all. you have to understand i have to see for myself or else i will always wonder. and why should i trust her word for it. i don't even know her. in the end, i found my keys in my shopping back. i was so glad, yet so BITTER! i ran into that old lady again and she ended up not getting anything.

to continue on, one particular person at banana was not nice at all. i wanted to of course save as much money as i can, so i wanted to take advantage of the 30% off. so i returned what i had purchased yesterday to re buy along with a bunch of other stuff. and she who wasn't even serving me doesn't mind her own business and says you have to go back to the floor and grab them. is she like the DUMBEST person. yeah i think so. cause it took me no more than 1 minute to grab those items. and it will take her at least 10 mins to retag them and put them back. stupid, as if there wasn't enough crap out there already. some people are just really stupid. i mean go ahead make it hard for me. i am still going to save so much more money. on top of that i probably make so much more money than your fat ass. in the end, why can't people just be nice, don't they realize they will get what is coming to them sooner or later. i don't mean to be mean, but serious, people better start treating others like they want to be treated cause it really will catch up with you in the end.

i don't mean to rat out on those challenged people but serious. and i mean challenged as those people who are mean to you because they envy you somehow.

that's all the bitter ranting for today. in conclusion, it's the holidays....be patient and nice. it'll keep the gray away.